Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Reintegration

It's been a long time since Corkery Road played in Orleans on that cold April night. Since that time the Muses and I have been on a merry road trip for the last 8 months and it doesn't show signs of coming to an end any time soon.

I've been indulging in new vistas; sampling new experiences; learning lots of new things. I've been enjoying the company of friends and family. I've been working very hard to simplify and better organize my life to make my time more enjoyable and calm. To strive at living calmer is an interesting contradiction. While there has been a lot of clutter to clear away, both in the house (which has taken a lot of sweat) and in my mind which has taken just as much or more effort, it has been worth my pains.

While I haven't lessened the number of interests I have or the diverse obligations and activities I continue to honour, I have sought to be true to the most important things in life. I am living largely by the following tenants:

People before things.
Work before play.
Play before cleaning.

Eureka!

This, of course, has meant spending an amount of assessing what is important to me. I'm quite sure there are people who go through large chunks of their lives without going through this difficult and sometimes painful process. I'm not sure if I am jealous of them or if I pity them.

It is a difficult task because there are a multitude of things I could be doing with my precious time and with an infinite number of people. Beyond the chattering and railing of the 9 Muses, there are my beautiful children, friends, family, music, work, continuing education. There are bandwidths I have retreated to when I have been hurt or confused. Good for immobilization when I needed the time to become ready to make a shift. To become willing to make a much needed change. When I have needed to fortify myself in order to let something go.

It has been difficult because no matter how hard I have tried to bend the time/space continuum so that I could do all the things I'd like to do, I just can't do it. And this has lead to a process of grieving for the things that must be postponed, shelved, and abandoned. Fighting that frustration has been futile and has used up so much of my energy.

Getting a hold of my activities and trimming the active list while honouring the postponed list has been largely a background activity, but the efforts have metted out more of an ability to enjoy the things I can do. The main goal is to live my life free of guilt for the things that cannot be.

This has been the main reason why blogging has taken a back seat for lo these many moons. I've been living my life, not documenting it. A dear friend of mine cautioned me about taking so many pictures of things around me that I neglect to actually live the stuff. Well, I can't say I'm done my grieving for things lost or unattainable.

In the words of Dolly Parton, "I grieved long and hard about my decision. But I've never once regretted it." If I have been absent from this place for a time, it has not been wasted. I cannot say what the nature of the things I may share with you here. There may be things you do not want to see or hear. I ask you to choose for yourself what you will find worthy of taking away from the time you spend with me here. I would ask that you share your views with me if you wish to do so. I have felt in the past that I was just one voice speaking into the void. Since taking my sabbatical from this place, I have been gently reminded that I have a readership. That there are people who have enjoyed the things I have had to say. To you, I say thank you for your support and laughter. You know well who you are.

I think I'm finally ready to share.

Stay tuned.

3 comments:

Natalie Servant said...

Well hello again! Welcome back & I look forward to hearing more.

Gaynor said...

Welcome back...

VJ said...

Hey girl, I appreciate where you've been and am proud of where you are now. Not that I had a doubt in the world you would get there! I'm thrilled to see and hear you smiling more and am confident you are setting yourself up for a lot more happy times. You always were the one I always looked too who had the bravery to go the path you needed to take. Congrats.
See ya at Christmas.